The Coggins Institute has spent nearly 40 years researching the institution of marriage and has formulated the following rules that all married men should heed.  CIFAS research has also resulted in the finding that there are no such rules that apply to women.

1.    If you try to be romantic, you’re a nerd.  If you don’t try to be romantic, you’re still a nerd.  In other words, you’re a nerd.  Matthew McConaughey is not.

2.    If you do something to make your wife happy, she will claim you did it just to make her happy and she’ll get mad.  If you don’t do something to make her happy, she’ll get mad.  Once she’s mad, any attempts to make up only make things worse.

3.    Men – you can’t win an argument.  You can’t break even.  You can’t even concede.  You can grovel.

4.    When you’re not speaking to each other, things get better – but only until you make up.

5.    If you plan something really special for the weekend, you will have an argument on Friday and spoil the whole thing.

6.    If there is a totally unreasonable approach to anything, your wife will find it and make it her own.

7.    When you think you’re communicating, you’re not.  When you think you’re not communicating, you’re right.

8.    If you have spent two hours looking for something, your wife will find it in 20 seconds.  If you spend 20 seconds looking for something and ask your wife where it is, she will not have seen it.  After you spend two more hours looking for it, she will tell you where it is.

9.    If your wife asks your opinion, she doesn’t want it.

10.    The more harmless and insignificant the question is, the more damaging the answer.

11.    If your wife asks if you like what she’s wearing, there is no correct answer.  If you say yes, she can’t stand it.  If you say no, she can’t stand you.  The only solution when asked this question is to have a stroke and die just before you answer.

12.    If you’re expecting steak for dinner, you get spam.  If you’re expecting spam, you get spam.

13.    On doing things together:  If your wife ever finds out you hate doing something, she will pester you to do it all the time.  If you want to do something, your wife will hate it.

14.    The day you go on a diet your wife will bake two pies.  You will eat both of them that night.