The Coggins Institute for Advanced Studies (CIFAS) thanks struggling golfer, Wayne, for this timely question.  Yes, it is time to dust off the clubs and hit the links, and all average golfers we know are asking this question.  Yes, CIFAS has the answer.  As with any proper golf instruction, we will discuss grip, stance, swing mechanics, and the proper application of the all-important leverage necessary to execute the proper swing. 

But first, we must review another essential concept.  Think back to your sixth grade Grammar class.  (Note: if you failed sixth grade Grammar or have not reached sixth grade at this time, this lesson will be of no use to you.)  Using our knowledge from sixth grade Grammar, CIFAS reminds the average golfer of the concept of the “understood word” in a sentence.  For example, in the sentence “Close the door,” the word “you” is understood.  This was written in Grammar class as “(You) close the door.”  The word “you” is not part of the written or spoken sentence, but we all “understand” it is there in principle.  I believe you get the point.  If not, I refer you to sixth grade remedial Grammar.

Now, with this concept fully in mind, we write this question as we would in Grammar class, i.e., “How can the average golfer break 80 (clubs)?”  CIFAS can now proceed with the golf lesson.

First, assemble 80 golf clubs, preferably with wooden or steel shafts.  Graphite is not recommended due to its inclination to “bend but not break.”  Most average golfers should have 80 clubs lying around the house, because the average golfer is compelled by golf spirits to regularly purchase new clubs that will help them break 80.  This lesson will make those promises come true.  However, if the average golfer does not yet have 80 clubs lying around the house, we recommend the purchase of low cost used clubs that can be found on the internet or at “Play It Again Sports.”  The advantage of using all the clubs in your possession for this lesson is that after you complete this lesson, you will be able to go out and buy new clubs.  Note to readers:  Count carefully, because if you have 81 clubs in your inventory, you will break 81, which is not your goal.  On the other hand, if you only have 78 or 79, that will do.  Do not use fewer than 78, because your golfing buddies will not believe you.

Now to the various swing types that will be covered in this lesson:  the thigh-break, the shin-break, the foot-break, and the rock-break.  CIFAS used to also recommend the tree-break, but CIFAS has become much more environmentally aware of late.  CIFAS also does not recommend the head-break, unless of course you use it on your playing partner who cannot stop moving while you putt.

1.    The thigh-break:  In the thigh-break, the grip is taken by placing the right hand on the grip end and the left hand right above the hosel.  The wider apart the hands, the greater the leverage, which is essential to a successful break.   Stand with feet shoulder-width apart and the club held parallel to the ground at eye level.  Now in one quick and forceful movement bring the hands down while simultaneously bringing the thigh up.  If done with sufficient hand and thigh speed, the club will break in half in the middle of the shaft.  CIFAS finds that about ten thigh-breaks with each leg is about as much as the average golfer can stand.  That’s 20.

2.    The shin-break:  With the shin break, it is necessary to obtain support from a tree, building or other stationary object.  (Warning:  do not use a moving golf cart for support.)  Standing up, lean slightly backward until you are supported by the stationary object.  Grip the clubs as with the thigh-break, with hands wide apart.  Raise the right knee and position the shin in the middle of the club shaft.  Pull up hard on each end of the shaft as if you were rowing a boat, breaking the shaft right in the middle.  Again, about ten shin-breaks with each shin is the average golfers limit.  That’s 40.

3.    The foot-break:  Again, the foot break requires a stationary object for support.  Using either the right or left hand, grab the club on the grip end and place the club head on the ground in front of the opposite foot.  (Note to sixth graders:  That means if you are holding the club in your right hand, put the club head in front of your left foot.)  Now, adjust your stance so that your feet are slightly wider than shoulder-width apart, and use your free hand (the one not holding the club) to steady yourself on the stationary object. (Caution: if you are standing too far away from the stationary object, you will fall down.)  Now lean the shaft down at about 30 degrees from vertical, and using the foot nearest the club head, lift your foot quickly and slam it down hard in to the middle of the shaft, breaking it right in the middle.  While the foot-break is not as painful to the average golfer as the thigh-break and shin-break, it does require more skill, and CIFAS recommends you do ten of these with each foot before proceeding to the rock-break.  That’s 60.

4.    The rock break:  The rock-break is certainly the easiest, and perhaps the most gratifying swing among those recommended by CIFAS.  (We do not officially recommend the head-break.) In the rock-break, the biggest challenge is to find a suitable rock, but we have found that most golf courses have such rocks, and it’s just a matter of patience in finding one. In a typical round of golf, the average golf ball will find suitable rocks several times before bouncing into a lake.  The rock-break also affords the average golfer greater creativity in grip, swing plane, and stance than the other breaks.  CIFAS offers two pieces of advice in implementing the rock-break:

        a.    Swing hard
        b.    Always hit the rock with the middle of the shaft. Do not - we                    repeat, do not – hit the rock with the club head.  It stings your                    hands.

You can use the rock-break for the remaining twenty clubs.  That’s 80.

Congratulations!  Tell your friends.

Disclaimer:  CIFAS has considered offering this lesson with a guarantee, but has decided there are too many variables outside the control of CIFAS to offer a guarantee, such as the average golfer’s ability to count, strength, ability to follow directions, and pain tolerance.  In addition, CIFAS is to be held harmless in case of any accident that may result from following the above advice.  Readers are cautioned to use this advice at your own risk (or your golfing buddy’s risk if you employ the head-break).