haveyoueverbeen

Have You Ever Been Sick?

The correct answer is "No."

Today CIFAS is providing its readers with some invaluable advice, and CIFAS is using the word “invaluable” very loosely. That advice is this: The next time you go to the doctor and they give you the forms to fill out with your medical history, answer all questions “No.”

Why does CIFAS recommend this action, you may be wondering. Surely CIFAS’ readers know what CIFAS is talking about. When you go to a doctor, they give you these forms to fill out with all sorts of questions about your medical history, such as:

Have you or anyone in your family ever had:

-    surgery
-    a history of nosebleeds
-    shortness of breath?

And on it goes, seemingly forever. The forms are normally two or three pages, and delve into anything that could be remotely wrong with a person.

Until recently I was one of those individuals who took it upon himself to answer these questions with “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,” at least to the best of my knowledge. Now I have decided that no one wants the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

I say this because of my recent experience in changing doctors to one located nearer my home. I completed the forms to the best of my ability, and accompanied the nurse to the examination room. The nurse said she needed to get some clarifications to the information on the form. I said OK.

Nurse: You indicate that you have had shortness of breath. Please explain.
Me: Well, once when I was in the 5th grade during “field day” I got extremely short of breath after competing in the sack race.
Nurse: That’s not the kind of shortness of breath we are looking for.
Me: I sometimes experience shortness of breath when trying to swim the entire length of a swimming pool, depending on the length of the pool.
Nurse: That’s not what we are looking for either.
Me: Well I had pneumonia when I was two, and my mother told me that made me extremely short of breath. Is that what you are looking for?
Nurse: No, everybody knows you get short of breath when you have pneumonia. That is NOT what we are looking for.
Me: OK, so what are you looking for?
Nurse: We are looking for you to answer the question “No.”

Next she wanted me to explain about the history of nosebleeds in my family. I said that they were probably not interested in the fact that, when we were kids, my sister’s nose had a history of bleeding every time I hit it with a baseball bat. The nurse said I was right.

Next we got to the question of night sweats. I told the nurse this was mainly a problem during the summer when I was young and before we had air conditioning. I got the distinct impression that she was looking for night sweats with air conditioning.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not a hypochondriac. There were two questions that I was able to answer with an emphatic “NO.” One was where they ask if you have ever experienced painful menstruation. For some reason, the nurse kept asking whether I was CERTAIN I had answered this question truthfully. The other was the question about whether I had ever been diagnosed with a mental illness. They kept pushing me to come up with proof on this one.

Why do they ask these questions, you may be wondering. CIFAS knows. They ask them to intimidate you. They enjoy saying “so what?” when you report that you had the big toenail on your right foot removed, but can’t remember whether it was in 2001 or 2002. They don’t care about your toenail.

It’s nothing but intimidation. Like on the question about whether you have ever been outside the continental United States. If you say “no,” they giggle. If you say “yes,” they quarantine you for two months.

So, take it from CIFAS. Always answer all questions on the questionnaires with the correct answer - “NO” - especially the one where they ask if you’ll be paying by cash or credit card.